Dear Wallkill Middle School-
Regarding my suspension/firing/whatever just happened. The principal (whose name I have already forgotten) had me leave in the middle of the day. I was subbing for two teachers, one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. The morning teacher came back to her classroom, and I unfortunately had forgotten to close my email (which the students could not see, the computer screen faced a closet), and I had an IM open wherein I said something about only sleeping for “two fucking hours”. Another complaint came from a teaching aide who said to me that if hitting kids was grounds for getting fired, she would have been fired a long time ago. This aide told the principal that I had “dropped the f-bomb” in a conversation with her. Which I admit. There were no students in the room at the time, and I assumed two adults could have a conversation and not worry about language.
I grew up in New York City where one begins to speckle the word “fuck” into every sentence by the age of 8. However, during my years as an undergraduate in Plattsburgh, NY, I learned that not everyone does that. I mess up here and there, but generally I am able to keep myself from cursing in front of children or the elderly, out of respect. However, this was not the case. No student heard, or saw, my use of the “f bomb” as the principal so lovingly put it.
I got reamed by the principal for these very minor (in my humble opinion) indiscretions. I was told this was a “huge problem” a “major issue” a “big mistake” a “fireable offense”.
Really? Wallkill. Really? I said FUCK in front of NO STUDENTS. “Fuck.” Who cares about Fuck? Fuck isn’t even a curse anymore, it’s thrown around as much as “shit” or “crap”.
I am an academic, I have just been accepted to an incredibly good school for my doctorate, I hold a Master of Arts in Psychology, a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and an Associates Degree. I have held my own in many, MANY professional situations and not had a problem. I find my suspension/firing to be embarrassing for YOU, because I thought we were living in the 21st century, but apparently this is some prudential time where saying fuck to a fellow adult or in my own email is the most horrific of offenses.
Fucking sincerely,
Neef
To whom it may concern,
I would like to report a complaint against the American Airlines gate
attendant who was working at 12:20pm today at the Tucson, AZ airport.
This man insulted my intelligence several times. This employee, whose
name I later found out to be Edward W. Schiller, rudely commented on
my blonde hair, implying that I am an idiot. When I let him know I am
in a PhD program he replied, “oh well you’re different than you look.”
Second, he patronized me when I asked him for help because I had
missed my flight. I experiencing stress at the time, and not paying
attention to the gate sign—I went to the first one I saw. He told me
in a very condescending tone that I was not at the right airline desk,
making an extra effort to point to my ticket and the sign. Thank
goodness for that! I would be horrified to fly American knowing that
your airline hires misogynistic, chauvinist assholes with no sense of
customer service.
I will not be flying American and I will make sure to inform all
friends and family (many of whom are frequent flyers, you know we PhD
students tend to travel…) that your airline makes it a practice to
demean customers.
Candace Black
Dear [redacted]
I am deeply saddened to learn that this year’s annual [redacted department] Kickball Tournament will be limited to only active majors and current faculty and staff. Personally, I feel this is rather discriminatory to those people, like myself, who view themselves as having close ties and positive relationships with your department. I, for one, am an active member of the [redacted] program, that, though it is not a subsidiary of the [redacted] Department, is chaired by the current chair of your department. Additionally, many members of the [redacted] program are currently active [redacted] majors and I have had the sincere pleasure of having several of these students in my classes during my time as a professor at what, up until this specific point, I have felt was an OPEN AND INCLUSIVE campus community. It is now obvious to me that these students have not, as yet, been corrupted by your exclusionist dogma.
Though you and those involved in this derogatory action may see this as a small detail in your overall plan, to the rest of the campus AND your department this is the first pebble falling down a hill that starts a landslide! I will be henceforth advising students AWAY from your program as I now know it to be a den of xenophobic, close-minded individuals who want only to wallow in their self-masturbatory practices of insular exclusion. You may think you are doing something right for those whom you so high-mindedly think are worthy to play in your little game, but I will not live under a yolk of tyranny such as this! I mean, come on dude! It’s not like the team I was on even won last year!!! We took 2nd-to-last place! I’m taking my ball and going home…and I hope it rains on you!
Sincerely,[redacted]
Dear Hulking Man-
I care not for what has put you behind bars, I would like to speak to you as a citizen of the world. There is a man incarcerated with you, his name is [redacted]. Should you so choose to use him as your own personal fleshlight and punching bag, I would happily supply you with cigarettes, electronics, or whatever is the current (legal) prison currency. If Karma exists, I feel your assistance in this matter will reward you in the long-run.
Additionally monetary sentiments will be provided should you go above and beyond in this little arrangement.
Sincerely yours,
an ally.
Dear Landlord-
Assigning parking spaces based on who has lived in the building longer
is inappropriate as well as unprecidented in any lease I have ever
seen. There should not be preferential treatment for tenants based on
length of stay, I should not be penalized for moving in recently. We
have been model tenants, and have kept our apartment in perfect
condition, it is actually in better condition than when we moved in,
considering we fixed the painting atrocity left by the former tenant.
Due to the fact that our lease said nothing of parking assignments, I
find it upsetting that you are changing things because “you can.”
Additionally, as that we live at the top and have the longest walk
from the back of the building, it seems ridiculous that we should be
the ones assigned there. Most apartment complexes that DO assign
parking do it on the basis of location. If you were to assign parking
spots based on an objective reasonable method, I would not have this
issue, but because it is clear that you are trying to please a
specific tenant (and please, don’t insult my intelligence by saying it
is multiple tenants, Annie has her spot and no one takes it, so she’s
not complaining, and Ryan and his girlfriend moved in the same day as
we did) I am feeling particularly put out.
I grew up in a tenement in NYC, and have since lived in multiple
apartment complexes and houses. I have never had a complaint. I do not
make noise past 9pm due to my sleep schedule, and rarely complain
about things that really are your responsibility if I feel I can deal
with the problem. Additionally, I do not think that you should expect
to come into our apartment without notice. Our lease says that we are
to be given 24 hours notice before a visit, which we have not once
gotten for the repair men (which i am not comfortable with,
considering one of them entered my room while i was sleeping). Once
the lights are fixed I will park in the back, as per your request.
However, if these complaints are truly upsetting the “peaceful living”
in the lease, I’d like to make my own complaint- if a tenant has a
small problem they should come to us first, I find them going to you
and having you come and chastise me in my home offensive and an utter
disruption of my peaceful living.
I hope you understand that I mean no disrespect, I am aware that you
are a nice person and trying to please all of your tenants, but this
is not the way to do it.
Thanks,
Neef
Dear Provost Duhaney,
I am writing to express my feelings of concern and anger over the recent “N-drive” debacle.
I am a Masters student in the department of psychology; scheduled to graduate this December. Throughout my tenure as a student at New Paltz I have been encouraged to save work to the network and have certainly felt assured of its security. At the current moment, however, my graduation depends upon recovery of the school’s hard drives as my thesis data was saved to my N-drive.
I am shocked at the lack of professionalism in the way this manner is being resolved. Communication about the problem from the IT department has been infrequent and vague. I do not feel that we have received either an adequate explanation for the outage, or a concrete time-line for when it will be fixed. Moreover, I am surprised at the lack of communication from anyone other than Jon Lewitt. The administration must recognize that for many students and faculty this is a crisis; many students are unable to turn in completed assignments and progress has stalled on others that were saved only to the N drive.
Although I will be very thankful if our data is recovered, this crisis highlights issues in the IT department. As Interim Provost and Vice-President for Academic Affairs, I implore you to express the students’ concerns to the IT department.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
KB
Dear Dr. [Removed]
I accepted your disdain for my existence, your hatred didn’t bother me. Even though I got a B+ in your class, (the lowest grade I’ve gotten in school since my first year of undergraduate study) I continued to vaguely respect your intellect, after all, someone did grant you a PhD (regardless that it was probably in the pleistocene when all one needed for a dissertation was a piece of flint and a stick…). I sighed and grumbled when I saw that instead of Dr. [Awesome] leading practicum, it would be you. But, with great “maturity” and “flexibility” I came to class prepared, with a smile on my face. I laughed it off when you referred to my thesis title as “icky” because fuck, you just don’t *get* evolution, do you. I made jokes to cohorts when you spent 20 of our 50 minutes talking about a measure that I had already eliminated from my study. I was a “good sport” about the whole situation. Until, that is, last week. Last week [Douchebaggus McRichypants] presented his thesis prospectus in class. Now, I try to be as objective as possible in practicum, ignoring personal ties or distaste, and even still, [Douchebaggus McRichypants]’s thesis was pathetic. His prospectus had absolutely no theoretical background, his hypothesis pulled from thin air. In addition to the lack of background or explanation for his hypothesis, it was clear that the whole thing was a thinly veiled hypothesis of why no one wants to touch his [schlong] despite his “high” mate value. The methodology in the prospectus was even worse than the lit review. Messy, contradictory, all around bad. The entire class of 20 somethings working on their theses could identify the prospectus as an embarrassment for the field, but you, Dr. [Removed] stayed positive about the paper despite it’s completely obvious sexist undertones and bad methodology. Your FLAGRANT favoritism is unprofessional, rude, and frankly quite confusing considering the target of your admiration. This student is constantly late, rude, inappropriate, and shows a complete disregard for basic social guidelines. And you compliment HIS work? His work that is not scientifically sound? Really?
Sincerely confused, befuddled and annoyed,
Neef.
.
Dear “landlord”
I’ve never had the best luck with your kind. These “landlords” I grew
up calling “slumlords” (while being raised in a lower east side
tenement) made the lives of everyone around them difficult. These “landlords” have raised my rent, hired angry maintenance personnel who curse at me in their native tongues.
Yet, my landlords have always answered my telephone calls, cashed my rent checks in a timely manner, and required that I sign a lease to protect their financing.
You, dear “landlord”, do none of these things. You cash my checks mid month, messing up my bank statements. You allow your second tenant (surprisingly, your spoiled adult son) to allow dirt and mess to accumulate to wait for your arrival. You not only don’t answer my telephone calls, but you ignore my messages! You ignore my emails!
Multiple emails, in fact. And now, my lease is up. I am not legally required to do anything. Technically, I could squat! Fortunately for you, I’m not the type to sink to someone else’s sub-basement level, so instead I will merely address what I have learned about you.
You, dear landlord, are a harsh, over bearing, over weight, ugly woman.
Your style of dress is on the level of trailer parks.
You come into my home and insult my furniture, art work, curtains, and shoe collection.
You snub my antiques and rudely tell me about where I can buy something “new” for “real cheap”
No thanks, landlord, I don’t want to live in the pages of a walmart dorm catalogue. I’d prefer to live in the pages of architectural digest, or maybe simple living. Pages which are filled with tasteful, beautiful, quality items. Quality items like my antique school desk you so did not like. Quality items like my wrought iron bedframe, a bedframe which if I chose to sell could make me thousands of dollars. Quality items like gauze curtains and quaker made coffee tables.
But no. You’d rather build your entire surroundings from an ikea box. Your style and taste comes across as almost unbearably, painfully tacky.
Your manners and etiquette are comparable to trailer trash women in trailer trash clothes.
I’ve met criminals, ex-cons, if you will, who are more polite upon entering someone else’s home.
Dear landlord, slumlord, rather, kindly take your face out of your overly sized and oddly shaped ass and mind your own fucking business. My rent check gets to you by the first of the month, every month. That is all that you should be concerned with.
Enjoy your adult children who don’t know how to exist in a world where you aren’t hovering. I’m sure you feel very needed.
Sincerely,
Neef.
